Showing posts with label love your neighbor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love your neighbor. Show all posts

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Tuesday Truth-day! October 11, 2011


*I will use each Tuesday to rat myself out about something!  It’s all in good fun and I am sure that these “truth-day” revelations won’t be things people don’t already know about me!
Ok, old, angry guy in your Honda Element, I KNOW I was wrong!!!  I apologize for going first when we were at a four way stop and you were there first, but here’s why.  Since you didn’t use your blinker—I didn’t know that you needed to turn left and you did indeed have the right of way!  I would have gladly given it to you.  I KNOW you were there first, but that’s why you have a blinker—USE IT!  And here’s the other thing—did you really need to bust a U-turn and follow me back to my job to cuss me out?  Really?  Didja? And since you wouldn’t even listen to my reason as to why I proceeded, I guess you didn’t really care.  But like I said, I know you had the right of way, but try using a blinker next time.  Thanks and God Bless you sir!

Monday, October 3, 2011

Tuesday Truth-day! September 27, 2011


*I will use each Tuesday to rat myself out about something!  It’s all in good fun and I am sure that these “truth-day” revelations won’t be things people don’t already know about me!
Thank you lady in the Honolulu airport for your “kind” comments to me.  It would have been nice if you had just stepped to me like a grown up to share your thoughts about my raising a black child, but I guess not.  Sadly, you are clearly not a mature woman who can ask questions about our family, but make assumptions and then speak them loudly enough so that I can hear you.  And I know you were talking about us because, let’s face it, how many black kids with white Mamas were there at the Honolulu airport.  Jus sayin’!
I pity you, but at the same time, I have compassion for you, so that’s why I stepped to you and “confronted” you.  I know it caught you off guard, but oh well.  I know you weren’t prepared for me to want to sit next to you in the crowded gate area to ask you why you felt it necessary to make such comments about me or my child.  I know you were caught off guard when I asked you if you really wanted to know how we became a family and what I teach my son about his Ethiopian-American heritage.  I know it caught you off guard that I speak his native language and know how many countries make up the continent of Africa (not that this takes rocket science to know, but you didn’t know how many there were, so…).  I know you weren’t ready for me to tell you that I have taken my son to culture class, that we hang out with other Ethiopian-American kids, and that I take pride in and love his culture.  I know you weren’t prepared for my kindness towards you. Actually, you probably didn’t think that I would even say anything to you. Well, you were wrong.  And now you know that you were wrong on so many levels. 
So, thank you fellow traveler who lives in LA, but couldn’t tell me where “Little Ethiopia” was.  Thank you for making me even more determined to educate ignorant folks and to make sure that my son isn’t one of them!
PS—beware of the Mama Bear lady, and you best be thankful that I love God!  Believe that!

Conversation of the day in Hawaii—three times a charm


Scene:  Beach
60-something married couple (60SMC):  Is that your son?
Me:  Yes he is.
60SMC:  Would you mind if we asked you some questions about him?  It’s obvious that he wasn’t born in the US.  He is breathtaking and such a happy kid!!!
Me:  Thank you!  And you are correct—he was born in Ethiopia.  I agree—he is pretty amazing!  We became a family a little over a year and a half ago.
60SMC:  How wonderful!  We have some friends of friends who just adopted from Haiti right before the earthquake.  Since we don’t know them very well, I would love to use the correct verbiage when talking to them about their son.  We haven’t met anyone else who has ever adopted.  Is that weird to ask you?
Me:  Not at all.  I wish more people would ask.  Go ahead and ask away…
Twenty minute conversation that turned into an appropriate adoption terminology.
60SMC:  Your son is so lucky to have you for a mom.  We can’t tell you how much this means to us.  We know how precious family is and to be able to become a family—no matter how it happens, is a miracle.
Me:  Thank you!  But I have to tell you.  I am the one who is blessed.  He has changed my whole life for the better.
60SMC:  Well, it shows on both of your faces.
*We parted ways!  This conversation left me smiling!

“Did your husband leave you because you didn’t lose your baby weight fast enough?”


While on vacation for 2 weeks in Hawaii, this was part of a conversation that went awry very quickly.  What started off as a pleasant exchange about my son’s phenomenal swimming skills quickly turned into fightin’ words.
Within the first 2 days of being here, K became sort of an urban legend around the resort.  People who hadn’t met him had “heard” about his swimming dexterity.  Once they met the kid “with the name I can’t quite remember”, they were “oooh-ing” and “ahhhh-ing” about what a strong swimmer he is.  All seemed to be amazed that he could dive down to the deep end and use big pullers and kickers while kids two and three years older than him were using floaties or were deathly afraid of the water.  But this isn’t a post about his awesomeness—it’s about a rude lady.
This woman, whose name I clearly don’t know, so I will refer to her as Baby Boomer Sun Bather (BBSB) had to be in her mid to late 60s.  She kind of cornered me to talk to me about K.  She was going on and on about how she would love to have her grandkids swim as well as he does and how she is just so impressed by him.  Not only that, she kept saying how much she loved his confidence.  Then it happened—she added, “You and your husband must be so proud.  What a cutie and a he’s a great swimmer…”  When I told her that I was indeed proud of him but that I wasn’t married, she snorted and said, “Oh, did your husband leave you because you didn’t lose your baby weight fast enough?”  I really didn’t have any words for her at first.  Sadly, what I initially wanted to do was stand up and cuss her out and be like “Heffa can’t you tell he’s adopted? And ok, yeah, I could lose some weight, but for the love of everything holy, is that ok to say to someone?!  Anyone?” 
But I didn’t—she wasn’t worth it.  All I said was that I haven’t ever been married and that he was adopted.  She really didn’t want to continue the conversation after that, and I was ok with that.  What’s more disheartening is that I think her comments were a reflection of her own life.  Where would someone ever come up with something like that unless they were wounded so deeply to their core by that exact experience (or something very close to it). Part of me wanted to slap the crap out of her for calling me fat and the other part of me wanted to hug and tell her that it was ok and she could cry it out!!!
Eh, but such is life. I will continue living my amazingly wonderful life and she will continue living her miserable existence. 

Conversation of the day in Hawaii—a new one


Scene:  At the pool watching K swim.  Many of the older folks saying, “Honey that’s the little boy I was telling you about!”  My mom (K’s swim teacher) smiling proudly!  K yelling, “Mommy, look at me!”
Old Guy Sun tanning (OGST):  Wow!  He’s good!  My wife was here the other day and told me about him, but wow!  To see him for myself—he’s quite the swimmer!
Me:  Thanks!  I appreciate that!
OGST:  Is he African?
Me:  He was born in Ethiopia.
OGST:  I could tell because of how black he is!
Me:  Um…
(Before I could add anything else) OGST:  He your foster kid?  An exchange student or something?
Me:  No.  He is my son!  We have been a family for…
(Cutting me off) OGST:  Praise God.  It’s nice to see people like you gettin’ kids from a country with so many problems.

Me:  Well, Ethiopia is an amazing country with beautiful people and a wonderful culture.  I am blessed to have him as my son and have his birth country be Ethiopia.
OGST:  No, I meant Africa.  Africa has THE AIDS and stuff like that.
ME:  Sir, Africa is a continent—not a country.  And Africa has over 50…
(Cutting me off) OGST:  Well whatever.  Look at him go!
*I just swam to the other end of the pool and kept K with me.

Conversation of the day in Hawaii


Scene:  At the pool watching K swim circles around all the other kids and the parents are all commenting on how well he can swim!
Baby Boomer Sun Bather: You and your husband must be so proud.  What a cutie and a he’s a great swimmer.  Really confident!
Me:  Thank you, I am proud of him.  He loves to swim, but I am not married!
BBSB: Oh, did your husband leave you because you didn’t lose your baby weight fast enough?
Me: (taken aback) Um, I have never been married.  I adopted my son about 2 years ago from Ethiopia!
BBSB:  Hmmmmm (and rolled over to talk to another person!).

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Compassion Anyone?

“Everybody is God’s Somebody!”

I am the first person to admit that I am not always as compassionate as I could be.  I am sassy and sarcastic.  I am snarky and (sometimes) an elitist.  I generously admit it.  Yet, even having said that, I am passionate (get passionate post link) about a few things and helping people in need is one of them! 

Compassion literally means to suffer with.  So, when Jesus was “moved with compassion” for His people, he literally suffered with them.  And ultimately for them.  But this isn’t about Jesus nor is it really about me (well that isn’t totally true).  I recently met a couple who are homeless.  I have seen them around the area where I work, and the “wife” is always reading a book.  Now this may not strike you as odd or out of the ordinary, but every time I have seen her, she’s had a different book (*please remember that I am an English professor, I notice when people are actually reading)!

Now when I say homeless—some people automatically assume alcohol, drugs, mental illness… but as we may be learning through this financial downturn—that isn’t always the case anymore!!!

Not only that, I see them “carrying” all their belongings around town and my nosey-ness got the best of me.  I finally decided to ask them if they wanted some food.  I am always hesitant to just offer, out of the blue, simply because it has backfired on me before where a woman got belligerent with me and said, “I don’t want food Bi#$%!  I want money!”  However, since I had seen them a lot lately, I decided to introduce myself.  After making initial “Hi my name is…” I found out that her name is Anne and his is name Richard. 
I asked them if I could buy them a meal.  Anne was hesitant to respond, so I pressed, “No really, can I buy you two some food?”  And then things happened swiftly—with food in hand, the conversation started.  Now, K and I feed the homeless guys who roam the park near our house on a regular basis, but as stated previously, my fortune for helping the random person hasn’t always worked out so well for me.  But this was different.  This couple, once they warmed up to me, was amazing and in love with each other and caring and completely open about their situation. 

While I would love to share the whole encounter with you, I want to keep most of it for my own memory bank.  These people taught me so many things in our moments together.  I learned more about love and loyalty.  I was slapped in the face with a real life example of what not being able to find a job (resumes in hand and really looking) has done to family units.  I learned about laughing at situations—because if you don’t, you will cry all the time.  And finally, I learned about hope—because “if you lose hope that tomorrow will be better—you don’t have anything to look forward to!”

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

So...what you're saying is...

The Lighter the Skin, the Shorter the Prison Term?
By: Topher Sanders
Posted: July 5, 2011 at 12:01 AM

A recent study of women convicted of crimes shows that dark-complexioned blacks serve more time in jail.
Colin Powell said it, Sen. Harry Reid hinted at it about President Barack Obama, and black folks have known it for hundreds of years. There are advantages to being a light-skinned black person in the United States.
Research on those advantages isn’t new, but with the release of a recent study by Villanova University, the breadth of quantitative studies that examine colorism, or discrimination based on skin tone, continues to increase. From housing opportunities to employment chances to which women have a good shot at getting married, the lighter-is-better dynamic is at play, research shows.

Villanova researchers studied more than 12,000 cases of African-American women imprisoned in North Carolina and found that women with lighter skin tones received more-lenient sentences and served less time than women with darker skin tones.

The researchers found that light-skinned women were sentenced to approximately 12 percent less time behind bars than their darker-skinned counterparts. Women with light skin also served 11 percent less time than darker women.

The study took into account the type of crimes the women committed and each woman’s criminal history to generate apples-to-apples comparisons. The work builds on previous studies by Stanford University, the University of Colorado at Boulder and other institutions, which have examined how “black-looking” features and skin tone can impact black men in the criminal-justice arena.

But researchers say this is the first study to look at how colorism affects black women and how long they may spend in jail. Part of the reason may simply come down to how pretty jurors consider a defendant to be, and that being light-skinned and thin (also a factor studied in the research) are seen as more attractive, says Lance Hannon, co-author of the Villanova study.

Racism gets all the headlines, but colorism is just as real and impacting, Hannon explains. How “white” someone is perceived matters. “Colorism is clearly not taken as seriously or is not publicly discussed as much as racism, and yet these effects are pretty strong and the evidence is pretty strong,” he says. “It’s a very real problem, and people need to pay attention to it more.”

Christina Swarns, director of the Criminal Justice Practice for the NAACP Legal Defense and Educational Fund, says the study’s findings are part of a larger problem in how the justice system deals with African Americans. “It is obviously part and parcel of the problem of overincarceration of the African-American community in this country,” she says. “There is unquestionably … an association between race and criminality, and I think this study emphasizes how skin color plays an important role in that perception of a link between race and criminality.”

William Darity, professor of African-American studies and economics at Duke University and director of the Research Network on Racial & Ethnic Inequality, has studied the impact of skin shade on marriage rates for women and employment for men.

Darity says the Villanova study expands previous research and underscores a known truth. “This has been a long-standing issue and problem that all blacks don’t face the same type or degree of discrimination,” he says.
Treating people differently because of the lightness or darkness of their skin isn’t exclusive to whites. As an example, Darity cites his research, which found that there are “real” disadvantages for darker-skinned black women when it comes to their chances of getting married.

“And one would have to say that’s to a large degree the consequence of preferences on the part of black men,” he says. That same preference for lighter-skinned black women over darker-skinned black women is true for white men, Darity adds.

But there has been recent movement by the government to take colorism more seriously, Hannon says. He pointed to a 2008 initiative by the U.S. Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that explicitly considers colorism. Hannon also notes that because the Civil Rights Act refers to “color” and not simply race, the door is open for litigation around colorism, which could also push the policy dial.

Darity believes that the benefits of light skin have to be addressed to cause change. “There are clear social and pecuniary benefits to being lighter-skinned in America,” Darity says. “Unless we eliminate those benefits, this will go on, because the advantages are real.”

Topher Sanders is a newspaper reporter living in Jacksonville, Fla., with his wife and son.

Monday, July 18, 2011

So…what you’re saying is…


The Lighter the Skin, the Shorter the Prison Term?
By: Topher Sanders
Posted: July 5, 2011 at 12:01 AM
A recent study of women convicted of crimes shows that dark-complexioned blacks serve more time in jail.
Colin Powell said it, Sen. Harry Reid hinted at it about President Barack Obama, and black folks have known it for hundreds of years. There are advantages to being a light-skinned black person in the United States.
Research on those advantages isn’t new, but with the release of a recent study by Villanova University, the breadth of quantitative studies that examine colorism, or discrimination based on skin tone, continues to increase. From housing opportunities to employment chances to which women have a good shot at getting married, the lighter-is-better dynamic is at play, research shows.
Villanova researchers studied more than 12,000 cases of African-American women imprisoned in North Carolina and found that women with lighter skin tones received more-lenient sentences and served less time than women with darker skin tones.
The researchers found that light-skinned women were sentenced to approximately 12 percent less time behind bars than their darker-skinned counterparts. Women with light skin also served 11 percent less time than darker women.
The study took into account the type of crimes the women committed and each woman’s criminal history to generate apples-to-apples comparisons. The work builds on previous studies by Stanford University, the University of Colorado at Boulder and other institutions, which have examined how “black-looking” features and skin tone can impact black men in the criminal-justice arena.
But researchers say this is the first study to look at how colorism affects black women and how long they may spend in jail. Part of the reason may simply come down to how pretty jurors consider a defendant to be, and that being light-skinned and thin (also a factor studied in the research) are seen as more attractive, says Lance Hannon, co-author of the Villanova study.
Racism gets all the headlines, but colorism is just as real and impacting, Hannon explains. How “white” someone is perceived matters. “Colorism is clearly not taken as seriously or is not publicly discussed as much as racism, and yet these effects are pretty strong and the evidence is pretty strong,” he says. “It’s a very real problem, and people need to pay attention to it more.”

Christina Swarns, director of the Criminal Justice Practice for the NAACP Legal Defense and Educational Fund, says the study’s findings are part of a larger problem in how the justice system deals with African Americans. “It is obviously part and parcel of the problem of overincarceration of the African-American community in this country,” she says. “There is unquestionably … an association between race and criminality, and I think this study emphasizes how skin color plays an important role in that perception of a link between race and criminality.”
William Darity, professor of African-American studies and economics at Duke University and director of the Research Network on Racial & Ethnic Inequality, has studied the impact of skin shade on marriage rates for women and employment for men.
Darity says the Villanova study expands previous research and underscores a known truth. “This has been a long-standing issue and problem that all blacks don’t face the same type or degree of discrimination,” he says.
Treating people differently because of the lightness or darkness of their skin isn’t exclusive to whites. As an example, Darity cites his research, which found that there are “real” disadvantages for darker-skinned black women when it comes to their chances of getting married.
“And one would have to say that’s to a large degree the consequence of preferences on the part of black men,” he says. That same preference for lighter-skinned black women over darker-skinned black women is true for white men, Darity adds.
But there has been recent movement by the government to take colorism more seriously, Hannon says. He pointed to a 2008 initiative by the U.S. Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that explicitly considers colorism. Hannon also notes that because the Civil Rights Act refers to “color” and not simply race, the door is open for litigation around colorism, which could also push the policy dial.
Darity believes that the benefits of light skin have to be addressed to cause change. “There are clear social and pecuniary benefits to being lighter-skinned in America,” Darity says. “Unless we eliminate those benefits, this will go on, because the advantages are real.”
Topher Sanders is a newspaper reporter living in Jacksonville, Fla., with his wife and son.